At every single function I go to, I hear “When are you guys having babies…You would be such amazing parents…Hurry up already”. My answers started out “We’re working on it…yeah, we’re trying” to straight up saying “ Well, we have had two miscarriages”. They apologize profusely, I say it’s okay and that we are okay- but we aren’t. This has been the most devastating year of our lives. I am going to share my story with you.
As some of you may know, Will and I have been together since 2005. We have spent all of our adulthood together loving each other. Growing into a family is something that we have always wanted. November 2016 one month before we would get married (yes, it took 11 years for us to get married… that’s a story for a different time) we decided that I would stop taking birth control which I had been on it for almost 10 years. We knew that it would take a little bit of time to get my body to regulate. During the next few months I got blood work done just to make sure everything was okay and ovulation tests to make sure we were “doing it” at the right time. Sometimes I’m sure I drove my husband nuts, although I know he wanted a baby more than I did. One bit of advice I’d give during this process is to make sure you’re not turning baby making into a job. Anyway, the year goes by and my cycles started to become regular-and then it happened. At the end of November 2017, I woke up and took a shower- I didn’t think I would get a positive test so after I took it, I put it to the side to take a shower and get ready. Almost forgetting I took the test I went over to it and I saw the words “PREGNANT”. I walked out of the bathroom laid on Will and showed him the test. He is a man of few words, but I knew he was excited. So many emotions- of course it wasn’t good timing because I had plans to leave for my sister-in-law’s 30th birthday in Nashville. I got over that funk quick though because I was so excited to be pregnant. I told my sister-in-law the moment I saw her. She screamed in excitement, we hugged and cried together. It was the best feeling ever but I wanted to wait until Christmas to tell everyone else.
Not long after that, I started spotting so I immediately called the doctor. They said it was very normal to experience some light bleeding and with it being my first pregnancy, I trusted them. I waited 2 more weeks for my first sonogram. The sonographer didn’t say much but I could tell something wasn’t right. She said it looked like maybe I was too early to see anything. In my heart, I knew that wasn’t the case. When the doctor finally came in he said he wanted to run a few more tests and to come back in a week. We left the office and I just knew we wouldn’t be having a baby. My husband tried to keep me positive, but I was angry-mad at the world, it wasn’t fair. I was mad that the doctor didn’t take me serious when I called about spotting and mad that it was me this was happening to. It seems to just come so easily for others. We went back a week later and he told me that it was not a viable pregnancy and I could wait and let it pass or I could have a D&C.
We opted for the D&C despite how scary it sounded, we just wanted this over with so we could move on. Instead of telling everyone on Christmas morning we were pregnant we had to tell everyone that I was having surgery due to a miscarriage. I was scared but I put on a brave face. We would be okay. My husband held my hand until they rolled me back and was there when I woke up. He took care of me and made sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed. I knew he was hurting too.
We started the New Year and knew we wanted to try again. I received the go ahead from the Doctor to try again about 2 months after surgery. I started supplements from my chiropractor to help with my low progesterone (which will be a major factor in all of this) and I started seeing an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility. I am, we are, doing everything “right”. People told me I was trying too hard, to just let it happen and that at I know I can get pregnant-but we wanted it now and if we didn’t try it wouldn’t happen. I know our loved ones just wanted to help and share encouragement but it’s hard when you’re in this position. You don’t fully understand unless you’re in it.
Fast forward to May. It’s time for my period to either be here or not, so in the morning I take a test. There are those words again, “PREGNANT”. A huge smile comes across my face and I talk to my stomach and say “please stay around this time”. I didn’t tell Will right away because I wanted to surprise him since last time I just handed him the test. I put the test in my back pocket, I give him a kiss and immediately made myself a doctor’s appointment. I tried to go to a new doctor because my experience was so awful the last time around. Side note: It’s okay to shop around for doctors, you do NOT have to settle on one. Find one that makes you feel comfortable. Anyway, the new place couldn’t get me in for 3 weeks, so I decide to see another doctor at the same practice I went to before. I went into my appointment and the Doctor confirmed my pregnancy. I informed her that I had low progesterone, we had just miscarried a few months before and all of my tests showed my progesterone was low. She said that she would need to run some tests. Instead of giving me a simple progesterone pill, she too ignored me. I told her she could look at every single blood test I had taken in the last year and a half and could see that I have low progesterone-which is the reason my pregnancy didn’t develop the first time. Instead, she said once my results came back she would assess and get me what I needed.
I went home and told Will that I had something for him. This time it was about 8 positive pregnancy tests. He had a huge grin on his face and gave me a kiss and hug, we finally thought we could be happy again. 5 days later I still had not heard from my Doctor about my results. I called the office and they said “oh everything looks normal”. The very same day I felt a gush feeling and ran to the bathroom- it was a good amount of blood. I panic and leave work. I’m hysterical. I called Will but couldn’t get the words out to let him know what was going on. He was about 6 hours away at the time. He told me he would call his sister so that someone would be there with me. This time we had not told anyone. He called her and she rushed to the hospital where I was getting examined. They said it could be normal but they had to run some tests. The tests ultimately showed, again, we were starting the process of a miscarriage. A few days later the pain and discomfort came, along with the loss of quite a bit of blood. This time I would not need the surgery, thankfully it completely passed on it’s own.
Here we were again. Broken. Angry. Holding onto my husband hysterical. What did I do wrong? Why can’t I give him a child? Why do other people have them so easily? I feel guilty, always. Guilty I can’t have my husband’s child, guilty I get so jealous at every pregnant woman I see and guilty that people feel like they can’t tell me they are pregnant because they think it will hurt me. I love kids, of course I’m happy for you. I want my friends and family to continue bringing beautiful babies into this world. We unfortunately, do not have our happy ending yet. We have however found the most amazing doctor who has already started me on progesterone and has been willing to help us through our journey. Miscarriage, I have found out, is more common than I could have ever imagined. It breaks my heart that so many families have to go through this terrible feeling. We are staying positive and we know that when the Lord is ready for us to have a child we will get our rainbow baby.
I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has been such an amazing support system for me. I have the most amazing friends and family. They have been there for me and there will never be enough ways to thank them for listening to me. They all know I like to talk! Most of all, I want to thank my husband. Will, you are the strongest man I know. You have been the brave face through all of this and I could not imagine doing this without you. I love you so much. One day we will have our rainbow baby, until then let’s lean on each other and grow our love even stronger than it was before.
To the couples out there who are still struggling to have their rainbow baby. Be strong. You are not alone. You do not have to do this alone. Reach out to people you trust, people who are in your same situation. Be each other’s shoulder to cry on. Be angry together. You are allowed to feel this way. But love on your partner. You two are in this together. Never let this get in the way of the relationship you have with one another. Take time for each other. I have learned that this last year trying to have a baby has literally consumed my life. But now it’s time to go back and enjoy life, enjoy my husband. What ever is meant to happen in our lives will happen.
If you take one thing from my story remember this, pregnancy and having children is a very sensitive subject. I too have been guilty of asking the questions “when are you guys having babies” but never again. You never know someone’s story until they are brave enough to share it with you. Always show love and compassion to those who are hurting and struggling with having children.