Hi friends and welcome to the I am 1 in 4 series of my blog. I posted on my Instagram story asking for four women to volunteer their story of miscarriage, fertility journey and rainbow baby miracles with you in hopes that it would help those going through similar circumstances. I was taken by surprise at how many women were willing to share their stories. Instead of limiting the series to four, I carefully chose a total of eight women’s stories (including my own) that I felt were touching in their own way. Some of these women have never talked about these stories with anyone so please show these women some love, it took a lot of courage and guts to share these. One story a day for eight days, I start this series off by sharing my story with you.
I am 1 in 4: Danahia Hill
This is going to be one of the hardest days of your life. Between the emotional and physical pain, you will ask yourself over and over “why is this happening?” Although you only carried that sweet pea in your belly for a short time, you will think about him/her everyday. You started making plans and you’ll feel like you’ve been shafted. There will be moments of peace quickly followed by reminders that will make you feel empty. You’ll hear, “God knows what he’s doing, something was wrong with the baby.” And in that moment if you feel the urge to punch that said person square in the chin, I’d say your emotions are on point.
Do not be alarmed by the overwhelming feeling of jealousy when you see pregnancy announcements all over social media. It is an ugly feeling but it in time it will pass. It is possible to be genuinely happy for someone while at the same time feel a sense of envy. It should be you, that is a tough pill to swallow. Take it day by day, remain there for your soon-to-be mom friends to the best of your ability. Remember, they love you and it is not their fault.
Try not to think about the months or years it took creating your sweet miracle-yeah right. Instead, embrace the happiness you felt the moment two pink lines appeared after months of disappointment. The thought of starting over will defeat you but you CAN get pregnant and will again.
How do I know this?
November of 2016, I too experienced this. I had a perfect pregnancy with my daughter and went into my second pregnancy thinking it would be the same. Little did I know, the (higher than you may think) percentage of miscarriage in the first trimester got me. I was 3 days shy of my 12 week appointment when it got me. I couldn’t believe it. I was just a few days away from announcing it to the world (social media-maybe not the world but it might as well be). I immediately knew something was wrong when I started bleeding. Knowing this could happen in early pregnancy, I didn’t panic right away. I never shared this part of the story with anyone but a couple of weeks earlier, I had a dream about miscarrying. Relieved when I woke up that it was just a dream, I couldn’t help but feel like it might happen at any moment I went to the bathroom. I even told Kenny about it; he assured me it was just a dream and that we would be okay. When the bleeding started to get heavier, we both prayed it wasn’t coming true.
We rushed to the hospital immediately. They hooked me up to an IV, took some blood and assured me that everything looked okay at first glance. A (tiny) bit of weight lifted from my shoulders and in that moment I had hope that it was just some irritation. The blood work came back and the Doctor informed me that my progesterone level was a little low but nothing too alarming. She suggested we get an ultrasound done to see the baby and it’s measurements. I laid back in the chair and waited for the wand to hit my belly. Nervously, I tried to make conversation with the ultrasound tech. She didn’t say much and that made me sick to my stomach. I tried to ask her questions-anything to get her to speak up. She told me she couldn’t discuss anything with me and that the Doctor would let me know what was going on. Is the heart beating? That’s all I wanted to know.
Still no answers, the nurses set me up with a wheelchair and rolled me into a waiting room area. Lennox played and Kenny tried his best to keep me calm. Too much time went by for nothing to be wrong so I started to panic. I told Kenny I felt like I was going to pass out and to get some help-quick. He ran to get help as I watched a dark tunnel start to form in my vision. This moment is so vivid in my mind that it puts pressure on my chest just typing the words. Nurses rushed to my side and helped me come to; just give me answers I pleaded. My mom showed up, I needed her in that moment and that’s when they brought me into a small, closet like sitting room. I knew it couldn’t be good but I was still holding onto that (tiny) bit of hope.
The Doctor walked in-bless her. So careful with her words, she explained to me that what happened was not my fault and I had done nothing wrong. She wrapped her arms around me before I even hugged my own husband. She genuinely cared, a complete stranger to me hugged me so tight and talked to me like I had known her forever. “You will get through this.” After she let me go, I looked at my mom and husband. Both in tears while my baby Lennox played with her toys so innocently, I picked her up and held her. I couldn’t imagine my life without her and I am certain I would have felt the same way about this unborn child. What I didn’t know at the time was how amazing my life would turn out.
There’s a light. You won’t see it until you see it. It is bright and it is colorful. They don’t call it a rainbow for nothing. After every storm, there is a rainbow to remind us that life is still good. God is still in control and good can come from the bad. I have seen this light. I first saw when I stared at a new set of double pink lines last year. At first I was scared, but then I realized that I am stronger now than I was before. I write this to you to encourage you to talk about your journey, talk about your experiences and talk about your fears. We are all in this together. I am proof as I sit here and type this to you, your time will come again and it will be magnificent.
With great love,