When I look back, I mostly feel guilt. I didn’t want another baby. How would I ever be able to take care of 4 kids? How would we make it financially? We had just gotten out of the infant stage with our youngest. We had a 10 year old, a 23 month old, and a 9 month old. I was losing my sanity as is. But here I was, again, with another positive pregnancy test. I cried. I sobbed. I knew I couldn’t handle another baby right then. So, I called my husband and I asked him to come home, he immediately asked if I was pregnant again. We went over options. We got real, and raw and it hurt. As scared as we were, we knew, it was our baby and it was something that we created together, of course we would figure it out. We would love it, just as we love our three boys.
Once I wrapped my head around being pregnant again, it was time to tell my family, because lets face it, if I’m not having a glass of champagne at the family get together, everyone would know anyways. I made Bentley a shirt the said “Big Brother AGAIN” and sent him into my brother’s house. There were a lot of tears, mostly from me, but that day made it all the more real. We were having baby number four.
Fast forward five days and we were in Gainesville taking our oldest to the Florida/Florida State game. I knew that day. There were no signs other than the slight, slight spotting the day before. I had even mentioned to my aunt that we would have to see if I were still pregnant only a few months ahead- when of course I should have been. We were loading up in the truck to head home when I felt it start happening. Not wanting to scare my son, I just kept to myself and endured the pain. We when got home, we immediately went to the hospital where we officially lost the baby. That day, that bathroom, I’ve never cried so hard, or felt so much loss in my life.
Guilt. It’s an all consuming, life altering feeling. How did I even spend a day not wanting that baby? How did I not throw a small party when I found out? I love being a mother. I love the chaos that is my life. Did I ask for this? Is this what I got for ever thinking I couldn’t do this? Was this my punishment? Day after day, I tore myself apart. I cried every time I was alone. I just wanted it back. How did I get that baby back? I knew I would never feel complete again, but my only hope of feeling okay again wouldn’t happen until we had another.
I found out we were expecting again the day before New Year’s Eve. I felt sick taking the test. Until I saw the POSITIVE sign. I smiled, and this time cried tears of joy. I had my rainbow. I had lived through my storm and survived it.
That’s not to say this pregnancy has been all sunshine and butterflies. Our first sonogram showed bleeding around the sac. My heart sank. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle another loss. I couldn’t afford to lose any other pieces of myself. We made it through, my girl and I. Then we had our second sonogram, a cyst on the back of her neck. Something that could resolve itself, or something that could take her. I read every article, I researched every hour of every day. Losing a child in the first trimester is heartbreaking, but how would I deliver a baby that I would never get to know? For two weeks, I lost it. I was terrified. My heart hurt, my soul hurt. Did I do this, too? Was this apart of my punishment as well?
I’m currently 37 weeks, with a healthy, thriving baby girl. The cyst resolved itself, although it ended up being on her brain. I am literally counting down the days, as most mama’s are at this point – but more so this time. To see her face, to be able to watch her grow. To hold her. Life will be absolutely insane with a middle schooler and three under three, but in the most beautiful way.
For me, I think something that I would really love for others to understand, and really take from these stories they’re reading, is that it’s not a joke. How many kids I have… how close together they all are in age.. that I’m forever pregnant.. the comments of how crazy I am for having so many kids. No one wants to hear this. Especially after having lived through a loss. Of course I had another baby. Of course I did it as quickly as possible. I was killing myself with grief, with guilt. Be kind. If you take one thing away from this, be kind.
Xoxo,
Hannah
My Hand in Life 