My husband, Matthew and I had been married for almost 2 years when we decided we were ready to start trying for a little one. Of course we hoped it would happen the first month but like most couples it took a little longer. After what felt like forever, I got that positive test at month 3. We were ecstatic and over the moon as any newly married couple would be finding out they were expecting their first child. Would it be a boy? A girl? So many questions rushed through my head as I went to bed that night smiling from ear to ear.
Week 9: We had an ultrasound and everything looked perfect, the heart beat was strong and the doctor was very confident that everything looked great. We were starting to prepare for a little one and the joy that came with knowing we were going to be a mommy and daddy filled our hearts with love. We were closer to each other than ever before, the idea of bringing life into this world will do that. Everything was smooth for the next few weeks as I anxiously awaited my next appointment where I would see my little bean again. My body felt perfectly normal, no pains or aches outside of the normal early pregnancy symptoms. I maintained that slight nausea feeling throughout so nothing alarming stood out there- no pain equals no problems as far as I knew. We were so excited after our first ultrasound we decided to share the news with the world that we were expecting a sweet baby in November of 2014.
Fast forward 3 weeks…..My mom and sister accompanied me to my 12 week appointment. I was so excited to be there, knowing we had made it to the “safe threshold” where the percentage of having a miscarriage drops drastically going into the second trimester. My excitement turned into fear as soon as the sonogram technician was quiet for too long- I knew something was wrong. She brought the doctor in and together they looked at the screen and then back at me. Right then they shared the news with me that not only broke my heart but prompts this story today. My baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and 3 days, just a few days after my last appointment; I was heartbroken.
An overwhelming feeling of blame and guilt rushed over me, I didn’t know why this was happening to me. My sister called my husband and told him to come to the doctors office right away as I was too emotional to think. He arrived and we just held each other in tears for what felt like an eternity. I felt I had failed him as a wife and mother to his child. I felt like something was wrong with me or I did something wrong at the time as I am sure most expectant mothers feel when they go through a loss. Once I felt I could hold myself together we had to go in and speak to the doctor about our options. They told me I could wait to let the natural process of miscarriage happen or I could have a D&C. We opted for the D&C because I couldn’t function knowing my child was lifeless inside of me. It was a long few days of emotions and heartache.
For those of you that do not know what a D&C is: dilation and curettage refers to the dilation of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping.
On May 14, 2014 the procedure was completed.
This was my social media post about my miscarriage:
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
We would not have been able to get through this past week without The Lord by our side. We have put all our trust in him & he will bless us with a beautiful little baby when he’s ready. Thank you for all the support, prayers, & love this past week from our sweet friends & family.”
I will always remember this horrific experience and I will forever have a place in my heart for my sweet unborn baby. I leaned on my husband and God more then ever. I had faith that our time would come again- even though the thought of getting pregnant again frightened me a little.
Allowing my body and mind to heal, we decided to wait a few months before trying again- but we were finally ready. After only one month, we were so excited to get that positive test- our rainbow baby. We welcomed our first son, Landon, into the world almost exactly one year after our loss on May 31, 2015. I couldn’t imagine life without my son and although having a miscarriage was extremely difficult, I now know why it happened. This goes to show that God has a plan and He knows what He is doing even when we can’t quite comprehend why it is happening.
One of the hardest parts about announcing your pregnancy then miscarrying is having to encounter people who weren’t aware of the miscarriage and having to speak about it out loud with someone you aren’t close to. I had a few different people ask how I was feeling and how my pregnancy was going… my heart sank and I had to share the news. That never got easier but being able to now look at my rainbow baby’s face is the reason I have the courage to share this with you. I pray for you-I pray you get your rainbow baby. God’s truest blessing.
Love,
Amanda
My Hand in Life 